September 11, 2001

Everyone is talking about their memories of that day.  Sadly, one of my four readers was actually involved in one of these attacks.  I realize my story is tame by comparison and would never ask anyone who actually went through it to tell me about it.  Some scary things can’t be shared with someone who has no idea what it could possibly be like to live in that fear in the moment that it’s happening.

The morning of September 11, 2001 was a pretty normal one.  It was a Tuesday, and Tuesday meant that I closed at the library that night.  I’m a morning person by nature and instead of doing something healthy and productive with my 23-year-old self, I sat down on the couch drinking a regular coke and eating pop tarts.  Ten years ago MTV and VH1 still played music videos and I would use my free weekly morning to catch up on anything recent.

God forbid I go work out, or watch the news or something useful.

So I’m watching one of the music channels and all of a sudden the news cuts in.  MTV and VH1 are based out of New York, so if something interesting is happening in New York their local news will occasionally cut in.  But, only if it’s really important.

I looked up in time to see that a building was smoking.  Apparently a plane had crashed into it.  I figured it was just a small private plane.  I wasn’t listening to the tv, simply watching.  My brain couldn’t comprehend what was happening, so I changed the channel.

News was on every station, except the movie channels.  That was the moment I realized something was wrong.

I headed over to one of our local channels, probably channel 5 which is NBC for us and I trusted them to report things accurately.  I turned it on just in time to see the second plane crash into the second tower.

I remember gasping, and sitting on the couch with my hand over my mouth in complete and utter shock.

I started to think if I knew anyone who was traveling that day.  Was my dad and step mother home or were they traveling?  My future father in law travels over seas a lot, was he home or was this a travel day?  Yet, I couldn’t get up the courage to call anyone.  I was too afraid to find out.

Eventually my husband, at the time boyfriend, came out of the bedroom.  He also had a late start that night, but he usually worked nights.  He wandered out, kissed me on the forehead, looked at the tv and asked me what movie I was watching.

That was when it hit me.

I looked at him and told him I was watching the news.  Planes had crashed into the World Trade Center Towers in New York.

I can’t remember when the news about the Pentagon came on.  I watched though as the towers fell, one after the other.  I just went numb.  And then the flight in Pennsylvania crashed.  It just felt like the hits kept coming.

The news was going on and on about where the next attacks could be:  Los Angeles, Chicago, the White House…nobody knew and the world was just guessing.

Eventually I got dressed and drove into work where it was so quiet.  The library was never that quiet.  Two of my three bosses were in the break room watching the news.  The third was trying to locate family who was supposed to be traveling that day.

When I got home from work that night, I turned on the news again.  I don’t know why, at that point it was like a perverse need to see what was happening.  To continue to watch the devastation.

Ten years later, I can close my eyes and still see people running from those buildings as they burn, as they collapse.  I can still hear the news reporting that civilians took down flight 93 to avoid it becoming another attack.  It breaks my heart.

The only thing that gives me peace, is the idea that I have a child now who may never have to know that kind of fear in this world.  And not because of overly bumped up airport security.  Maybe, just maybe he will never have to watch people fall or jump from a burning building because they have no other means of escape.  Because, while I may not have been there to live it, I watched it.  I saw everything that the news had to offer.

My heart and prayers go out to the people who lost family and friends that day.  My heart and prayers go out to anyone who went through that day.  May your dreams not be plagued every night by what you saw.

Wow

Ok, so I’ve been busy.  Very, very busy.  I’m sure the five two of you who were reading this anyway are intrigued.

So, I had the baby.  A boy, we named him Logan.  He’s adorable and perfect and everything I could have hoped and asked for.  I never knew it was possible to love someone so much.  With that said, he’ll most likely be our only child.  The combination of time it took for me to concieve him and the events that followed his birth mean that in all likelihood, he will grow up an only child.

I was an only child and I turned out ok…for the most part.

He came early.  He arrived on my mom’s birthday, which was just funny.  I was positive he was going to be born on my dad’s (the two are a week apart from each other) but my boy had other plans.  He was also a C-section due to his size and the fact that I was in very active labor with no progress in the dilation front.

I didn’t like the hat they put on him in the hospital so I had the hubs bring one from home, it says “mmmm…boobies.”

The nurses were more like lactation nazi’s, which doesn’t help make you comfortable.  They were sweet though, especially once the postpartum hit.  And it hit hard.  And then it took me three months to admit that it was bad.  Really, really bad. 

Really, really, really bad.

(For anyone who may be interested, I’ve been thinking about doing a full disclosure post, but since I don’t want to bore the three of you to tears or drown you in mommyhood, I haven’t decided yet.  Guess it depends on if anyone gives a rats ass.)

Anywho, I’m medicated now.  Most likely will be for awhile.  In all honesty, being on antidepressants is the first time I’ve really felt like myself since I was about 20.  I don’t feel so angry and anxious about every little thing.  I’m no longer convinced that my child, husband and family hate me.  In essence, I stopped sweating the small stuff.  Which is nice.  I like enjoying things that deserve to be enjoyed and not sending myself into a frenzy of anxiety and panic over the things that normally get worried over. 

So, he’ll be five months old the day after Christmas.  He sits up quite nicely, just started eating solid foods and is strong.  We had a scare when he was about a week old, but the test results came back ok and the doctor doesn’t seem concerned over anything when he goes for his check ups. 

I go back to school in the beginning of January, and I’m not looking forward to that.  I wish we were in a financial position for me to be able to stay home, but we aren’t.  We aren’t even really in a financial position for me to be in school, but I’ve gotten this far goddammit and I refuse to repay a loan for something I didn’t finish.  I need to get something at the end so that I can make money to repay that damned loan, and maybe get us out of the pickle we’re in right now. 

I won’t whine and complain about how hard things are, because we’re still ok.  Not great, we’re not even really staying afloat, but we have a roof over our heads and the ability to pay for extra things like cable and internet access from home, so I won’t whine.  We’re (mostly) healthy.  Granted I’ve had some health issues, not to mention a trip to a doctor that made things worse before things got better.  Got a second opinion, and that one made more sense so that doctor became my family doctor (woo hoo, lucky her!). 

I have been keeping up with what everyone is writing, I just need to be logged into WordPress to make comments and some days, that became too much effort.  Or I would go to make a comment and the baby would start to fuss or cry or required some kind of attention and when I got back to the computer my session had timed out or I forgot what I wanted to say.  I should also say that the same thing has happened when making myself a cup of much needed coffee. 

Insomnia is the only reason I’m able to make this post now.  And despite the fact that my child sleeps through the night, I refuse to take anything to help me sleep now because of everything else that I’m on (so many other things).  If he does wake up, I need to be able to get up with him and provide for him.  I’ve been on Ambien before, nothing good ever came out it. 

Ok, maybe one thing.

The post in which I rant like a lunatic

We, as people are creating a “War of the Worlds” world.  I’m sure of it.  We are creating a world where colds aren’t getting worse, but we are becoming more immune to the simple everyday germs that surround us.  The ones that keep our immune systems in check and, well for lack of a better term, healthy.  We need germs, we need some exposure to them or else a time will come where a simple cold will kill us.

I’m all for automatic water faucets, hand dryers and paper towel dispensers.  I wish there was a button you could hit with your hip on the way out of a public restroom that would open the door for you so that you don’t have to touch the door handle with your nice clean hands after some disgusting ape chose not to wash theirs.

*Side rant:  there really should be a rule that if you even walk into a public restroom that in order to leave it you must wash your hands.  I cannot count the number of times that I have used a public restroom (yes, eww, let’s all shudder with me now, but when you have a baby sitting on your bladder, you’d be amazed at the places you go) and gone to the sinks and washed my hands and watched some pig of a woman walk out of a stall, come over to the mirrors, check her make up and leave the restroom.  Part of me wanted to run out of the restroom and use an entire bottle of hand sanitizer on her, the other part of me just tried to stop dry heaving.

I love, to a point, that society is creating a world where you don’t have to touch as many oogy things.  I was never a fan of touching public restroom flush handles, I would more times than not use my foot.  Luckily those things always worked no matter how you hit them.  But now the potty’s have sensors that automatically flush for you, this is a problem though if you sit there too long because you made the mistake of getting the XL coffee from Dunkin Donuts and you have to pee what could be a small creek.  Those automatic flushes…hoo boy, and a little bit oogy.

Anyway, my point is this:  the one thing this world really doesn’t need is an automatic soap dispenser.  And here is my logic for this point; you can touch the one germ infested thing because, and this part is very important, you are washing your fucking hands!

Automatic soap dispensers, this is only my opinion, are feeding a hysteria and right now, Lysol is trying to cash in on it.  I bring you, the Lysol No-Touch Hand Soap System.  Go ahead, watch it, I’ll wait.

(Sorry, tried to add video but it just wasn’t happening, so here is the link to the video that Lysol has on their website if you haven’t seen the commercial yourself)

My favorite part is where the lady tells us that soap pumps have “a lot” of germs on them.  No shit Sherlock, that’s why you’re washing your fucking hands!  It’s not like I pump the soap onto my hand and then wipe it off on the towel and leave the room without adding water and doing the whole hand washing motion thingy.  And, I don’t know about you guys, but when I clean the bathroom and kitchen, hell even in between regular cleanings when I use those damned bleach wipes, I tend to wipe down my soap dispensers.  So maybe I don’t have “a lot” of germs hanging around on my dispensers.  And then, just for good measure, I wash my hands.

I realize that stuff like this plays into a germaphobes life, I can guarantee the next time I go to either my girlfriend’s house or sister-in-law’s house, one or most likely both will have them.  The killer part is, one is a preschool teacher, the other was a massage therapist.  These people come in contact with more germs than either of them wants to dream of.  My girlfriend’s boys are sick, all the time, because she over sanitized.  My sister-in-law who is about a month away from giving birth, has avoided getting sick her whole pregnancy.  When that kid comes out and gets his first cold, she is going to melt the fuck down.

Meanwhile, I touch people and their nasty hair all day.  I’m lucky if I get to wash my hands in between clients.  And, I’m forgetting to mention the two little germ factory’s I watch for a few hours every day.  If the boy could learn to cover his mouth when he coughs, well it would be an act of God himself.  So, needless to say (or maybe not) I have been sick many times during my pregnancy, and both baby and I are fine.

Anyway, back to the touchless soap dispenser.  If people are washing their hands correctly (some shit about the length of the song Happy Birthday is adequate, personally I use ABC just because I touch people and their nasty hair all day) then we don’t need to worry about the damned germs hanging around on the soap dispenser pump, do we? 

Have I gone over the deep end?  Am I the only one who thinks this is insane?  Please, let me know.  If I am, maybe I’ll go out and buy the no touch soap dispensers, because if you can’t beat em, might as well join em.

Today

Today I will think positively.  Just because I manage to step on the cat’s tail as soon as I get out of bed does not mean it will be a bad day.

Today I will do my best to enjoy the day instead of dreading what may happen later.

Today I will not mourn those who are no longer here but instead celebrate the fact that I had them in my life at all.

Today I will not let my past dictate my future.

Today I will not regret the things I did in my past since they are in fact in the past and I cannot change them.

Today I will not look back and wonder “what if” but instead look at it and tell myself “it was bad, but you survived it.”

Today I will do my best to open up and give new people a chance of getting to know me, and in turn I will do my absolute best to get to know new people instead of jumping to conclusions.

Today I will not feel sorry for myself because at least I’m healthy (I hope), I have a roof over my head, a bed to fall asleep in, food in my refrigerator,  people who love me and people that I love.

Today I will not be jealous of what other people have, but instead be thankful for what I have because it could be so much worse.

Today I will try to remember that living a life full of regrets is not really living.

Today I will finish my damned book even if it kills me.

Today I will not worry about what will happen tonight, but instead look at it for what it is.  A chance to go out with some friends and socialize, which I do not do often enough.

Today is a new day, filled with new opportunities.  Live each one to the fullest. 

 

A question for the ladies…

Have you ever been in the shower (nope not the question yet) and finished shaving one leg only to look down at the other one and think, for the briefest of moments, I’m too tired to shave the other leg?

And in that oh so brief moment, you also think, who would notice?  I’m planning on wearing pants.

  

Don’t worry, I shaved the other leg.

Some days…

Some days I wake up, and I wonder what the point is.  I don’t have a job, I’m a social retard and I’ve pretty much abandoned the friends I had made while working at the library or maybe I made it so that they abandoned me.  I don’t blame them for this, it was like I needed out of the life of hell that I had created for myself while working there.  I regret my choices and unfortunately there is nothing I can do to fix the mistakes that I have made.

Some days I wake up in the morning and I just want to cry; and nine times out ten I actually do.  This actually happens more often when I’m taking a shower.  I guess I feel better knowing that in the shower you can’t see the evidence that my emotions got the best of me.

Some days I wake up and I’m just so angry.  I can’t explain why I’m angry, but I feel the rage inside me take over.  I get mad at my dad for leaving.  I get angry at my mom for putting up with crap from a man who was so selfish.  I stay mad at my dad for his drinking, and sometimes I think that he deserves the diabetes he has now because it means he can’t drink the way he used to and therefore can’t emotionally hurt someone else the way he emotionally hurt my mother. 

I get angry at myself for staying in a relationship where I was a victim for so long and even though it was over 10 years ago that it happened I can’t help but be reminded of it when I least expect it.  I get mad at my ex for putting me in that position; I had always thought myself stronger than that.  I get mad at myself for what I did to get out of that relationship, but I know what I had to do was to save myself.  Again, I regret the choices I made and I hate knowing that there is nothing I can do to make it better.  But, and I know this is wrong, I feel vindicated because he finally repeated the actions on someone else.  He finally hurt her the way he hurt me and now all the people who thought I was a liar… well they know the truth.  I wouldn’t have wished this on her in a million years, I don’t hate anyone that much, but at least now she knows why I did what I did.

At least when I wake up feeling this way, I know that I’ll feel better tomorrow.  I just wish that until tomorrow came, I could let go of the past.