Confession time
Do you want to know the best part about cold weather? At least for girls (women, whatever)?
If you miss a huge patch of hair while shaving your legs, no one but you really ever has to know, because you can just wear pants.
Sometimes, I think being a girl can be easy.
I was wondering…
Has anyone read The Shining by Stephen King and then seen the movie directed by Stanley Kubrick?
Does anyone else besides me wonder what the bloody hell Stanley Kubrick was thinking when he picked Shelly Duvall?
Better yet, if you have any kind of answer, would you be willing to share it with me?
That wasn’t a good moment
So. Yeah, I’m embarrassed by my post the other day. While I’m not embarrassed about my reaction to the news (just trying to be honest here) I didn’t think.
This is one of those things that I’ve been struggling with for awhile now.
My sister in law and I have been silently competing for years now. We are the only two aware of the competition (aside from our best friends, maybe; I know mine is in on it). I don’t like that it exists. I wish I could find a way to grow up and get over it. The problem is that, while I’m grateful for every single thing I have, she has everything that I want.
My husband and I have been having issues with conceiving, and I’m having a hard time dealing with that. I am finally going to talk to a doctor about it, because I can’t beat myself up for something that may or may not be the cause of these difficulties. The problem is, I’m blaming myself. I’m blaming myself for stupid shit that I did when I was younger, and awful things that happened to me. I’m blaming my ex, who was always so careful about making sure that he hit me where no one would see it and now I’m wondering if something he did is the cause of all of my problems right now.
My best friend, who went through quite a few miscarriages herself, was the one who even made me aware of the fact that I had a biological clock. The birth of their first child had a voice inside me going, “I want one of these!” My biological clock announced itself that day, it introduced itself and told me all about it.
The pregnancy and birth of my Godson, was…difficult. I would leave her house while she was pregnant with my Godson and either cry or be unreasonably angry. Not at her, but just filled with a rage I couldn’t and still can’t make sense of. Now, when I say I cried I don’t mean a few little tears. I mean huge wracking sobs that make it impossible to see, or think or function. The kind of sad that knocks you down to the floor and takes your breath away. Only to find a way to calm down and be taken over by a panic attack.
The day my girlfriend brought the youngest home, I melted down. There she was, a day out of the hospital, bringing her son home a day after she came home (he was jaundiced and had to stay an extra night) and comforting me. I tried to leave and she wouldn’t let me until I told her what was wrong. I hated telling her that I was so jealous of her that it was tearing me apart. I still hate to admit it. I hate to admit to her that being at her house and holding him, hurts me to the core.
So, when my sister in law called…
I just fast forwarded to the upcoming holidays. I became green eyed and started to think of all the things I would have to endure.
Thanksgiving, she will be around 4 months. Maybe she will be showing but she will still have the attention of every single person in that house. The grandmother, who can’t even remember my name despite that fact that my husband and I have been together for over 10 years now, is already making guesses to what the sex will be.
Christmas, I’m thanking the Lord above that I won’t be here for Christmas this year. Back in February I finally submitted to my father and step mother and said that yes, I would come and visit them for Christmas. Thank God for small favors I guess.
But, there will be the baby shower. Which my girlfriend didn’t have with her second child. I was thankful for that because I wouldn’t have been able to survive that. But now I have to not only survive my sister in laws, but my mother in law has called me and wants to involve me in the planning of it.
This is the sound of my heart breaking.
I realize my sister in law hasn’t actually won. Yes, I get to go back to school to start a career I genuinely enjoy. I have my freedom and full nights of sleep. I have some extra time to try to get mine and my husbands lives together. Maybe try to find a way to get a house so that all the money we dump into rent can be dumped into a mortgage and get something at the end of it.
But that phone call the other night, it broke something in me. Maybe it was my hope that I could actually somehow be able to give my in laws something first. I deprived them of seeing their son get married. We have been unable to get our shit together enough to get a house first. I guess I kept holding out hope that I would have the first grandchild.
And then I got the phone call. And I knew at that moment that there would never be anything I could do for this family that she hasn’t done first. I have struggled for their acceptance. I have fought to make myself one of them. All of this has seemingly been to no avail. And now I have to face the fact that I need to see a doctor to make sure that I can even have a child. And then I have to find a way to deal with whatever the doctor says, while my sister in law has a baby of her own.
Not whining, just wanted you guys to know why the FML meltdown.
When the hell did that happen?
I made a lasagna yesterday. I didn’t burn it and it didn’t suck.
I made a chicken pot pie with cornbread the day before. I didn’t burn it and it didn’t suck.
What I want to know is, when the hell did I learn how to cook?
FML
I was just informed that I’m going to be an aunt.
This time I’ll be a “real” aunt. My sister in law is having a baby. The sister in law that I have been competing with since the day we met.
She got the big wedding, the nice brand new house built especially for them and now she’s having the first baby.
Clearly, she wins. I’ll just take my broken heart as a consolation prize and all my self doubt and fears as my parting gift.
Fuck my life.
I’m not proud of this
When it comes to school, I’m all about the cute but comfy shoes. I realize how important it is to have good shoes with good support since I’ll be standing all day. Hair styling is not a sit down career.
So far I have spent a small fortune trying (and kind of succeeding) to find the right shoe. My problem is mostly blisters. One pair gives me blisters, I move onto the next pair which results in a constant shuffle of shoes.
The Crocs Prima Ballet Flat:
Complete with Jack Skellington Jibbit
The Payless faux leather ballet flat:
Do you sense a trend yet? (P.S. I bought gel insoles for them)
The Sketchers Mary Jane:
Oooh, strappy!
But today, I broke two of my toes. The third and fourth toes of my right foot. Not only does it hurt like hell to walk right now, there is no way in hell that I am getting any of the above shoes onto my foot. And since the school has a rule about close toe shoes, this is what I have to wear…
How fashion forward of me
If I were me, I would laugh at me.
Ummm…
So the new commercials for Shark Week on Discovery are really freaking me out this year.
In case you haven’t seen them (this is where I tried to find links or the actual commercials, but alas, it was not meant to be. It seems what I have found is just as disturbing…): Frenzied Waters.
The commercials are just all of these serene ocean scenes with people either sitting on surf boards, swimming (think Jaws opening scene swimming) or talking to the camera. Then; Bam! Person goes under.
Now, you guys know I love a good horror movie, and I really find nothing wrong with being scared. The fact that these commercials and the little “movies” from above are disturbing in such a way that I don’t even want to take a bath anymore (I would still shower) means that either a) I’m turning into a big wuss or b) that Discovery is really fucking good at reeling people in.
And for anyone who is going to tell me that Discovery created Shark Week to educate because sharks are becoming endangered, blah blah blah. I know! That doesn’t mean that they don’t hit ya right in the gut to get you to watch the programming.
Karma rocks
Yesterday (Wednesday) I was driving over to my girlfriends house. It was about 4:00 in the afternoon, around the time that traffic around my parts starts up.
At one point I looked in my rearview mirror and noticed that there was a guy in a Toyota riding awfully close to my back bumper. I resisted the urge to brake check him, averted my gaze to the car in front of me and sang along to my Disturbed playlist (What? I find it soothing.)
I stopped at a traffic light just as I was about to turn onto the street leading to my girlfriends house. Since this traffic light lives in front a police station, I figured it was best to really stop at the light where a “No Turn on Red” sign is posted. I like to adhere to laws when I’m closest to the law enforcers. It’s the same when I suddenly notice that a cop is behind me and I suddenly drop my speeding to the posted speed limit even though 30 seconds earlier I was speeding.
Anyway, Toyota guy started honking at me while encouraging me to turn even though the light was still red. I just sat there singing along to Down With the Sickness and being a good law abiding citizen (at that moment). Finally the light changed and I took my sweet ass time moving my foot from my brake to my gas while making sure no one else was going to blow the red light and hit me.
Meanwhile Toyota was honking.
I stopped at the stop sign that was less than a block after the light, and made the most complete stop sign stop that I’ve ever made since I took my drivers test.
Now, my girlfriends neighborhood has been installing speed bumps because it’s a kid friendly town filled with raving lunatics like Toyota who do 40mph in a 20mph zone.
I knew about these speed bumps. I was prepared. I wasn’t speeding.
Toyota finally blew past me.
I had slowed enough to watch Toyota.
Toyota didn’t know about the speed bumps, and hit one going at what I estimate was about 30-35 mph.
Toyota totally hit that thing and then totally bottomed out.
I laughed, Toyota spluttered and lost a hubcap.
Karma? had a good day.
Really?
There are people who come into your life, and they leave you saying “WTFH was that?” This person just constantly rubs you the wrong way, over and over and over…
I have one of those people. I didn’t seek her out, and in all honesty I have attempted to drive her off. Apparently my awesome follows me and has its own fan club.
This woman (though I use the term loosely, I prefer Oompah Loompah as it is far more accurate) has stalked me and simultaneously insulted me. She is my husband’s “best friend”’s (do men admit that they have best friends?) fiancee. She is selfish and whiny. I tried to like her. Then I tried to scare her off.
The first time we met, I was obviously nervous. I like my husbands friend. He’s nice, and all full of computer knowledge, so when I don’t know what to do, my husband calls him and asks him what I need to know. The biggest problem I have with this guy is that he rejected a job opportunity with my husband to continue working for a private company that has been laying people off for the last year. His choice, whatever. My husband and I laugh about it sometimes when he calls my husband complaining about his job. Not in a mean way, obviously.
Anyway, the fiancee. I’m now going to refer to her as OL.
When I met OL, I was nervous. When I’m nervous, I make inappropriate jokes. Usually of a sexual nature. It’s what I do, it’s how I roll. It weeds out the people with a sense of humor versus those with no sense of humor. A sense of humor is important.
Well, she laughed. Now that I think about it, maybe too much. She may have been laughing in the way that girls laugh at everything that the guy they have a crush on says. It was crush laughter. She hearted me.
I didn’t, and still don’t, feel the same way.
OL has used every opportunity since that moment to confess all sorts of things to me. Like how my courthouse wedding was “trashy.” Yeah, according to her, only couples who are suddenly expecting children get married in a courthouse. I beg to differ. I’m sure there are many other reasons for people to get married in a courthouse. Like, health insurance. Or because the bride has a fear of speaking in front of large groups of people (the sheer size of my family combined with my husbands family still causes me to have panic attacks). You wonder how hard it could be to say “I do” to the person you love in front of all of those people when you can barely ask if there is any diet coke when more than one person is listening. I had a hard enough time professing my love for my husband in front of the judge. I actually had to ask her to not stare at me. Can you say awkward?
OL also told me that tattoos on women are trashy (I do sort of want to get her a thesaurus just so she can insult me with a different word at least).
Need I remind or tell anyone, that I have tattoos. I have plans to get more tattoos. (I feel the need to mention that once money is coming our way again, I’m getting a half sleeve on my left arm.)
Now, for those keeping count I’m trashy due to my wedding and tattoos. Woo hoo! That’s what I like to call a two-fer!
Yet, in spite of my trashiness she has been comfortable enough to use the bathroom, while on the phone with me.
Uh huh. I’ll give you guys a minute to absorb that fact.
I (like MTAE) have a strict no talking in the bathroom policy. I DO NOT go to the bathroom with other women. I prefer to do my business alone, and in silence. I expect those around me to respect this. So, in case any of us ever meet each other, I will not be going to the bathroom with anyone or their respective partners or spouses (if said partners or spouses are female, or you yourself are a female, I also have a strict no going to the restroom with men policy, sorry).
I have gone to the restroom with a girlfriend before, my best friend, the only reason I’ll go with her is because she adheres to the no speaking rule. The most we’ve said to each while in the bathroom together is “hey, do you have a tampon?” Because that, is acceptable.
Not acceptable is me on the other end of the phone and hearing running water, and realizing when I hear a toilet flushing, 15 minutes later (eewwwwww), that it wasn’t hands being washed or dishes being done.
Also not acceptable, because I barely talk about this next thing with my actual best friend, is hearing about her “time of the month.” If I have to spell that out for anyone, I will cry. But, I got a lot of details and y’all have no idea the amount of restraint its taking me not to share. Let me say this though, there was talk of rugs needing to be changed. And the absorbency of one product versus another product.
Burn that mental image out of your mind with a hot poker. Then imagine me staring a bottle of bleach while seriously considering taking it to my brain, just to rid my poor mind of that image because hearing it firsthand, a hot poker wouldn’t have done the job.
Also, and this is just me asking you to respect what I’m choosing to do for a living. Please, please, please don’t talk to me about store brand hair color. I have nothing nice to say about it. And please don’t try to tell me it’s the same thing that is used in a salon, because it so isn’t. In case you couldn’t tell, OL tried to tell me that the store brand haircolor is the same as salon. In case I wasn’t clear before, it’s not. The color is sure, but not the thing that makes the color work. And really, when I think about it, the color is a little different too. There is too much chemistry involved for my brain to comprehend right now let alone explain. But, no one should try to defend that to me. And then don’t follow that up with needing to use certain shampoos for colored hair, because duh, I’m not a natural redhead, and quite frankly this shade of red isn’t made by god in nature.
I think the worst part of this is the pity I feel for her fiancee. His mom is dying. It’s awful. He’s around the same age as my husband and OL is the same age as me. He’s 34. I can’t imagine what he’s going through. He needs his fiancee to support him through this and not harp on him every 5 minutes about a wedding that they can’t afford (he wants a courthouse wedding), a car that she wants that they can’t afford and a house that she wants that (can you guess what I’m about to say?), they can’t afford.
I talked to her, even though its mostly her talking and me making “mm-hm” noises, and told her that she needs to support him for a little bit right now. So, that night she posts of Facebook
My man’s not taking care of me.
To which one of her oh so helpful and insightful friends responded with, “get a new one.” Very nice. Turns out OL posted that when he refused to baby her because she had the sniffles.
Sniffles!
Not even a full blown cold or allergies!
If I posted something like that every time the hubs didn’t take care of me, then I wouldn’t ever post anything else. By the way, that is still her wall message, one week later. His mom is dying, but he’s not taking care of his fiancee.
Bastard!
